You Can't Control What People Think About You. So Stop Trying.

Let me save you several years of overthinking, a few questionable relationships and approximately 47,000 imaginary arguments in the shower:

You cannot control what other people think about you.

I know. Rude.

Wouldn't life be easier if we could?

We could simply explain ourselves one more time, provide a PowerPoint presentation with supporting evidence, perhaps bring in a few character witnesses, and finally make everyone understand that we are, in fact, delightful.

Unfortunately, people insist on having their own thoughts.

Some will love you.

Some won't.

Some will misunderstand you.

Some will judge you based on half the story.

Some will hear the whole story and still choose the version they prefer.

And somebody, somewhere on the internet, will probably have an opinion about something that has absolutely nothing to do with them.

Welcome to humanity.

The question isn't how do you stop people from judging you?

You can't.

The better question is:

Why are you giving their judgment so much power?

I Spent Years Trying to Be Enough

For a long time, I looked outside myself for proof that I mattered.

I wanted love. Approval. Acceptance. Validation.

Maybe you know the feeling.

If they love me, I'm lovable.

If they're proud of me, I've succeeded.

If they approve of my choices, I must be making the right ones.

And if they don't?

Well, obviously we should replay the conversation 73 times, analyze their facial expression, question every decision we've made since 1994 and perhaps send a six-paragraph text explaining ourselves.

Perfectly reasonable.

Except it's exhausting.

I eventually learned something that changed the way I look at almost everything:

Validation from other people feels good. Validation from yourself feels like freedom.

There is a difference.

Self-Love Isn't Bubble Baths and Hashtags

Somewhere along the way, self-love got packaged into candles, bubble baths, inspirational mugs and expensive spa days.

Nothing against bubble baths.

Sit in there until you're wrinkled like a raisin if it makes you happy.

But that's not what I'm talking about.

Real self-love isn't always pretty.

Sometimes self-love is saying no.

Sometimes it's leaving.

Sometimes it's admitting you screwed up.

Sometimes it's apologizing.

Sometimes it's forgiving yourself.

Sometimes it's setting a boundary and allowing somebody to be angry about it.

And sometimes it's looking at yourself and saying:

I like me.

Not, I'm perfect.

Not, I'm better than everyone else.

Just:

I know who I am. I know what I stand for. And I don't need everyone else to agree.

That changes things.

Here's the Part That Took Me Years to Understand

You cannot control another person's:

Thoughts.
Feelings.
Actions.
Opinions.

I call this My Serenity Prayer.

You can't make someone love you.

You can't make someone understand you.

You can't make someone see your worth.

You can't force an apology.

You can't make someone stop gossiping.

You can't make an internet warrior put down their keyboard and go outside for some fresh air.

You can't even make somebody happy.

Trust me. Many of us have nearly killed ourselves trying.

So let them.

Let them think what they think.

Let them feel what they feel.

Let them say what they say.

Let them act how they act.

And then ask yourself:

What am I going to do?

Because that's where your power lives.

This Doesn't Mean You Stop Caring

This is important.

Letting go doesn't mean becoming some emotionally bulletproof robot wandering around announcing, “I don't care what anybody thinks!”

Usually the people shouting that the loudest care quite a lot.

Words can hurt.

Rejection hurts.

Being misunderstood hurts.

Losing someone hurts.

Being betrayed hurts.

You are allowed to feel all of it.

Healing isn't pretending something didn't hurt you.

Feel your feelings. Just don't build your permanent address there.

That's something I've had to learn repeatedly.

Healing isn't linear.

You can have six fantastic months and then something hits a nerve you thought you'd dealt with years ago.

Fine.

Feel it.

Face it.

Then ask yourself:

How much more of my life am I willing to give this?

Not Everything Thrown at You Belongs to You

This one is especially important in a world where people can criticize complete strangers before they've finished their morning coffee.

Someone else's anger doesn't automatically become your guilt.

Their judgment doesn't become your identity.

Their insecurity doesn't become your inadequacy.

Their opinion doesn't become your truth.

But let's be careful here.

Self-love isn't a magical shield against accountability.

If three people tell you there's spinach in your teeth, perhaps check your teeth.

If you've hurt somebody, own it.

If you've screwed up, apologize.

If criticism contains something useful, use it.

Self-love isn't believing you're always right.

It's knowing yourself well enough to ask:

Is there something here I need to learn, or am I carrying something that was never mine?

That's a very different question.

Kindness Is Still a Choice

I've been bullied.

I've also been the bully.

I know what it feels like to be torn down, and I know what it feels like to hurt someone because hurting them temporarily took the attention off my own pain.

I'm not proud of that.

But it taught me something I have carried through my life:

Hurt people hurt people.

That doesn't excuse cruelty.

It helps me understand it.

When someone comes at me sideways now, I try to look at where it's coming from before I decide what I'm going to do with it.

And whenever possible, I choose kindness.

Sometimes I even enjoy being ridiculously kind to someone who's determined to dislike me.

It confuses the hell out of them.

Highly recommend.

But kindness doesn't mean becoming a doormat.

You can be kind and have boundaries.

You can wish somebody well from very, very far away.

You can love someone and decide they no longer get unlimited access to you.

You can forgive without inviting them back.

You can say no without submitting a 14-page explanation.

Kindness includes kindness toward yourself.

Try This the Next Time Someone Gets Into Your Head

Before you surrender the next six hours of your life to analyzing somebody else's opinion, ask yourself three questions.

1. Can I control this?

Can I actually control what this person thinks, feels, says or does?

If the answer is no, stop trying to manage it.

2. Is there something here that belongs to me?

Did I do something I need to own?

Is there a lesson here?

Do I owe someone an apology?

If yes, deal with your part.

If no, don't adopt somebody else's baggage simply because they dropped it at your feet.

3. What can I choose now?

Your response.

Your boundary.

Your next action.

Your attention.

Your peace.

Your opinion of yourself.

That's where your energy belongs.

This Is What Freedom Started Looking Like to Me

Freedom wasn't getting everybody to finally understand me.

It was realizing they didn't have to.

It wasn't getting everyone to like me.

It was liking myself enough that I could survive when someone didn't.

It wasn't eliminating sadness, anger, rejection or pain.

It was learning that those feelings could visit without taking over the whole damn house.

I choose what I stand for.

I choose not to intentionally hurt people.

I choose not to gossip.

I choose kindness.

I choose boundaries.

I choose joy when I can.

And some days?

I choose sweatpants, sadness and bed.

I'm human.

Then I get up and choose myself again.

Live From Within

That phrase has become one of the foundations of how I live and how I write:

Live from within.

Know yourself.

Love yourself.

Question yourself.

Forgive yourself.

Correct yourself when necessary.

And stop handing complete strangers, family members, exes, Facebook commenters, coworkers or anybody else the authority to determine your worth.

Their judgment does not define you.

Their words do not build or break you.

Only you get to decide how much power you give them.

That's where self-love stops being a hashtag and becomes something useful.

That's where boundaries stop feeling selfish.

That's where letting go begins.

And that's where life starts getting considerably lighter.

So the next time you catch yourself desperately trying to control what somebody thinks about you, remember:

You can't.

I know. Still rude.

Let them.

Then turn your attention back to the person whose thoughts, choices and life you actually have some say over.

You.